I am still a kid. I argue, I fight, I be adamant and then I cry. I am possessive, obsessed and sometimes even jealous. I break rules. I say sorry and do the same mistakes again. I am crazy, unreasonable but loveable. I like to watch the sky, the birds and the airplanes high up in the midst of the clouds. I love to get wet in the rain and play in the mud. I have a best friend. I want to drive a car and speed. I have no limits when I love. I have a mind which wanders around anywhere, anytime and comes back home once in a while. I hate definitions and boundaries. I am uncontrollable sometimes. I am loyal. I can confess. I stammer sometimes. I don’t hate pets. I am soft. I read books. I like poetry. I have favourites. I have innocence. My love is quite raw and unpolished. I like silence. I love noise. I love friends. I love music. I can’t dance but I love trying. I play games with myself. I am impractical. I am irrational. I can fight. I can win, even hearts. I love old people. I love surprises. I give surprises. I give gifts. I love camera. I love pens. I love memories. I dream. I dare. I fall and get up again and sometimes I again fall. I don’t give up. I hurt myself. I lose myself. I sometimes even find myself. I speak the truth. I am blunt. I am sharp. I am intelligent. I am the greatest fool. This is me, deal with me or let go.
P.S. I care.
Sometimes you are happy! So happy that every part of your body, your mind, your soul is just dripping happiness. Every nerve, every vein, in fact every cell in your blood is just so happy. You feel like dancing, singing, may be even like screaming your heart out and say the world that you are happy! As happy as one can be! Everything feels right, every songs seems to be melodious, every food tasty, everyone around seems wonderful and even a stranger feels like an old friend! Oh the world feels so beautiful!
Then comes some grey clouds and make us sad. You hate everyone around. The same songs feel noisy, food distasteful, and the stranger is as if about to kill you. You don’t feel like talking to anyone because you are drowned in melancholy. No one understands you and you feel like a burden to this earth and the earth a burden to you! Your world collapses!
When I was learning swimming, I was very scared of the deeper end of the pool. My trainer used to say that when I reach the deeper end, I should switch off my mind and just not think anything. I should trust the water that it will hold me within itself and not let me drown. Wasn’t an easy one, trust me! After months of regular lessons, one day I went for swimming and I was a bit sad and unmindful that day. I swam to the deeper end, saw the depth of the pool underneath and was just ignorant and numb about it. I swam back safe and my trainer was smiling. She asked me if I was scared that day as well and I couldn’t honestly recall what was I thinking when I was on the deeper end!
Happiness, sadness, pain, anger, fear, anxiety, ecstasy are all like instructions or lessons we convey to ourselves. Then slowly we start to learn how to react to them. We laugh when we are happy and cry when we are sad. Then there are one of those days, when we just don’t feel anything. We are just numb! Sometimes you just have to let go and trust that this universe will hold you within itself! That you will survive…..
She was the first one I shared my childhood secrets with. The one with whom I watched the first adult movie. Her absence taught me what “missing someone” is. She was the one to have never-ending chats and night-long discussions. Enjoying the festive seasons, crying on the regular break-ups, sharing ice creams and stupid jokes. She was just there.
Teenage transformed into adulthood. Best buddies to travel buddies. Guiding each other, celebrating our togetherness, dancing all night, singing songs while we forget the lyrics and laugh for hours. Always up for a drink. Shopping mates. Exploring life and the places together. Never busy to take calls. She was just there.
Slowly our life extended, people came and went. Bonds sometimes lasted, sometimes lost. Carefree girls became vigilant women. Life changed with the ticking of the clock. Sharing ice creams had changed to sharing the complexities of daily being. Our innocence had turned into being judgemental. Happiness sometimes was overshadowed by pain. But she was just there.
Life took different paths, went to different destinations, countries, but homecoming was always her. The mere presence meant healing. The warmth of the hugs could be felt for ages. Happiness was just looking into her innocent eyes. Her rebukes were life’s facts. Winter till summer, spring till autumn, she was just there.
Sometimes we prioritize our relationships based on our feelings, our love, our understanding. We cry for undeserving people. But we forget that one person, with whom we travelled the most cherished days of our life. Such unconditional love, so much innocence in the touch and so less expectations. That one person, whom we call “best friend”, is just always there.
Just wanted to say Thank You……
You have taught me to say things I would otherwise keep to my heart. You have taught me to acknowledge and say Thank You. You have taught me to see the vastness of the sky and feel so small compared to it. You have taught me to smile at people, to ignore their ignorance and to love their virtue.
I used to complain if the day was too hot, or too cold, or too humid. I used to complain about bad roads and traffic jams. Now I can smile at dawn and greet the day with my warmth and thankfulness that I am alive. Now I know that however rocky the road is, it’s the journey that matters and not the destination. Now I know that a traffic jam is a reason to spend some more time with you!
The simplicity in life is its greatest virtue. To be simple, to cherish the sky, the nature, the seasons, the strangers, the known-ones, to ignore the immodest, to smile like a child, to cry like an infant, to share like a mother, to forgive like a teacher, to guide like a father and to love like a lover…is life! It’s not about those painful moments, its more about the moments of joy and ecstasy. You taught me many things in life which I would not otherwise understand. There are things beyond me, there is a whole world looking up at me and expecting something. There is a reason I was born. The day I realise that reason and smile back at the world, I am complete. I am living. I am alive.
I am an abandoned car, standing on the Highway. I am just left alone till…. I guess the Sunset.
You see those two figures, leaning against each other? There, look far on top of the small hill across the road. From there, the sunset can be viewed the best. They lean against each other slowly as the sun is all orange and dazzling. They look into the setting sun and promise each other another day full of love and compassion. They promise to be nice to each other. The setting Sun make them feel incomplete and as if they have to live another day, to make each other feel complete. As if, that one-day would give them all the joy they are looking for in the setting Sun. As if that one day would be the last day of their life.
The Sun is now almost about to embrace the horizon. Its aura left in the sky. The figures come closer. Their heads together and so are their hands. They close their eyes for a second before they see the sun go down the horizon. The sky as if becomes sad of being apart from the Sun and becomes darker. They kiss at the dawn of the dusk, their first kiss.
The Rebel Tears
Suddenly felt it is raining,
Looked out, but it was not;
Are these some tears
Trying to be Rebel?
This music is known,
The symphony Old;
Does music bring tears;
Are the tears known?
Can’t recall the time,
When there was a smile;
Time is only prevalent
To make me rebel awhile!
Hope has a price attached,
To smile is expensive;
Life has never been so detached,
Is it so unscrupulous to be possessive?
Another year ends. A year full of moments, full of journeys, smiles, tears, memories, love and pain. A year which will never come back. A time, which is now past.
Did I learn something new, did I loose someone, love someone or did I just breathe? Did I make a new friend? Saw a new place? Did I laugh this year? Or did I just live each day as it happened. Did I see the Sunrise or the Sunset..did I let my feet touch the water of the sea..did I feel the softness of the wet grass..did I remember to look up at the sky and see the birds fly to their nest? Did I help someone..did I make someone Smile..did I remember to say Thank You to the loved ones and mention that I love them too? Did I give mom a tight Hug? Did I spend some time with my best friend and tell her that she means the world to me? Did I gift someone flowers? Did I pamper myself..did I dream of a better tomorrow..did I forgive and forget? Did I thank God for being there?
Life changed each day, I grew up another year, saw a new daylight each day, met new people, learned to smile. Loved each moment and loved life every second. The mystery, the mist, the moments and the moon…life’s good. Thanks Time!
When you feel lonely,
And need a friend to share,
When you are in your blues,
And wanna have a beer..
I’ll be around….
When the days are long,
And the nights are quick,
When work is more,
Six days a week..
I’ll be around….
When the rains are heavy,
And the sky is full of clouds,
When the house is all empty,
And you await a sound..
I’ll be around…
I’ll be around in the times dark & grey,
I’ll keep you in my prayers every time I pray,
I’ll hold you tight and not let you fall,
I’ll make you alright and let no one harm you at all..
“I know you are listening, please open the door, am sorry. It’s been an hour already and am outside your door, please let me in and I can explain. The clouds look dark. It’s about to rain, please. I know you are standing there, tranquil, motionless yet frantic. Your eyes are all hazy with the tears you want to conceal. Your dignity overshadowing your pain. A small strip of hair falling across your face and concealing the depth of your feelings. Your fists clenched. Don’t fall apart; hang on, I will tell you the reason of this unscrupulous conduct of mine in the breach of the moment. I know you will understand. Just please let me in, let me hold you once, tight, and make you feel the warmth inside my heart, once please.”
“I will not leave without meeting you and confessing the truth. The truth, which will either change our lives or will end my life forever. So many things happen in our lives, can you always explain or define moments? Tell me if you can define all the moments we had together, our moments? I am already drenched. My eyes are filled with the rainwater, or are there tears? Tears, which are tearing me apart from you. Tears, which are craving to tell you my story, my delineation, my fragment of truth. Sometimes reasons even if unreasonable are facts. You have to listen to me; you have to know the truth. My voice is becoming feeble, my hands are damp, my feet shaking and my heart…my heart is still beating, though the beats are not perceptible but I know its beating. This life owes me a last chance.”
“I never knew you could be so harsh. Please, don’t do this to us. We deserve a life together; we deserve our share of happiness, our share of joy, of ecstasy and laughter and many more moments of togetherness. This rain cannot be the last rain in my life. We are just a door apart, please open this door for once and let life greet you, please open this door one last time and let us breathe few more breaths together. I promise to return your trust and turn all the pain into happiness. Please, I’m dying.”